I have just had feelings all day that I should write an additional blog post. I'm not sure who needs it or maybe if it's just for me to express myself in a sensible manner but I know I should. So here's the message concerning the feelings I have had through this move and the passed two and half years of marriage.
A little background: I grew up receiving a phenomenal education from a very prestigious and forward thinking high school. I worked hard and followed all my passions, that is everything that I felt was of a righteous nature or otherwise uplifting. I studied dance, participated in school plays, performed with chamber choirs, photographed, played in a band, lead in ASB, wrote poetry, and dreamed of the future (a ton). Blessed beyond degree, I attended college where I had plans to do the exact same thing, and maybe date...I have always been a bit boy crazy.
The story: I met my sweetheart, my soulmate if you will, at a 19. 19! He spoke of traveling, Seattle, cats, dependability, and above all supported my passions and encouraged my continual exposure to them. He liked my independant nature and I loved how he let me be the independant me I need to be. I was love struck and sickened but really had no idea what I was getting myself into even two years later when I married him. I suppose I always thought marriage was when you'd stop dating and everything would be easy. I couldn't have been more wrong.
The problem: Turns out I didn't know much of anything at all. I honestly didn't even really know who I was. I suddenly found myself married to a husband who recieved so many amazing opportunities and me loving him too much to say no because i knew how greatly it would affect his future career. Also, I had no job that took away from his plans. But he took these traveling internships and I had to go with him! I, a once loose and wild bird, was put into what i like to call the cage of commitment.
For the first couple years I kind of ignored the cage knowing that every internship was only a few months and that I could go back to school with the same friends, jobs, status, dreams, and hobbies. At first my cage felt more like a leash. After all, me? The woman of opportunity, of possibilities, in a cage?
But then, this June, the truth hit me: it was time for Trent to get a real job. I knew i could sway his decision and say no this time. After all, we are a team and this wasn't an internship anymore. I had job offers too. But Trent got this job and it was right. He was moving to Cleveland. And I, Therefore, was moving to Cleveland.
I know to some people this announcement might have come off as an exciting new step in life. Certainly everyone talked about it like I should be happy, proud, and grateful that my husband was creating a future for me. Little did they know, I felt I should fly for the hills. Cleveland? What the heck is in Cleveland? What the heck would I do in Cleveland? Why would someone else be able to decide my future???
And there I was again in that very small cage again.
For two months I took it out on Trent. He was ruining my life, my future, my plans. I felt cold-hearted all the time. I'm afraid to say many of my last weeks in Utah were spent feeling selfish and irritated and not with those I cared for. Something needed to change. I did.
The answer: did not come overnight. I've never been the one for pink elephant epiphanies. Though I had not emerged from my cage yet, I began to become more open to ideas of individuality and freedom through personal pondering and especially prayer for positivity. However today was my favorite breakthrough yet.
Today, while in my new ward, in my new house, on my very temporary inflatable mattress, i found myself wondering- what would I do if I didnt have Trent? What would i do if I did not move to Cleveland? More importantly, what the heck do I want to do anyway???
And suddenly I started to feel so grateful for Trent.Here I am complaining about myself and my own ambitions and I'm not even considering my partner, my sweetheart,my other half. Here he is giving everything up: his time, his energy, and his true passions for a job to take care of me. Talk about a "cage of commitment." And hes doing it for me! A girl who still has no idea what she wants to do with her life. A girl who probably if she did know would still not be able to rely on her own incomes to support herself. And suddenly, I didn't feel caged anymore.
I act like I'm giving this big sacrifice for him, when really he's giving it to me.
My thoughts then moved to the ultimate sacrifice of Christ. How many times do people come off with this approach to Mormonism and all the things we as mormons can't do. Indeed there may be personal moments people may be upset by the sacrifices they have to make for Christ and feel encaged. But then you must remember, what has he done for you? And what if he was never there in the first place?
I act like I'm giving this big sacrifice for Him, when really He's giving it to me.
And I now feel more love for both these important amazing men in my life.
